American Fundamentalists: Their Identification, Traits, and Proper Mockery
By Michael
Created 03/06/2008 - 00:33
By Jeff Gustafson
Contrary to media representation, North American evangelicalism is by no
means the reflection of a single monolithic mentality. As the icy clutch
of
diversity continues to wring dry the neck of the once predictably
Bible-thumpin', gay-ba****n', infomercial givin' hegemony of the
evangelical
church, it has been forced to accommodate a number of lifestyles and
cultures, none of which are particularly interesting. Still, spotting them
in the wild can be a dicey business. Here is each, according to their
kind.
OLD-SCHOOL FUNDIES
Identification: As the name implies, this is the class of evangelical that
has changed the least since America's founding. They are mostly relegated
to
the South, but with healthy distributions in the Midwest and Appalachian
regions, always in secluded areas. They are distinguished from other
groups
mainly by their primitiveness and their tendency to spit a lot while
preaching. Forget televangelist sheen; these guys are the genuine article,
and as such are often disheveled and unwashed. (Fig 1.1) They tend to have
large, bulbous eyes, particularly when they're describing something from
Revelation. Don't be surprised if they've got a couple s****s hanging on
them. Oh, and guns. Lots of 'em.
Beliefs: Imagine the most seriously out-to-lunch ramblings of Pat
Robertson,
or that guy who has that half-hour show on the end times on UPN, and
multiply it by ten. The ones that can read disagree with the theology of
the
Left Behind series, but only because it isn't wacky enough. James Dobson's
claim that SpongeBob Squarepants sup****ts the homo***ual agenda is
insufficient-they cannot fathom a popular children's character who doesn't
sup****t homo***uals, although their knowledge of cartoons is strictly
limited to hearsay, as none of them own TVs. In terms of the Bible, they
tend towards the sections that have God doing awesomely violent things
while
including the Jesus stuff more or less as a concession. If you suggest
that
perhaps the gospel accounts of Jesus don't always give an entirely
historical ****trait, they'll probably set you on fire.
Evangelical Style: Turn or burn. Old-school fundies tend to be direct, and
prefer to tell you that you're going to hell to your face rather than
through the filter of TV or radio (neither of which they know how to
operate). They can be seen on college campuses or metropolitan areas
making
a dramatic case for the Lord's judgment, frequently using a homemade
pedestal. This strikes people as cute and, in a hilarious misunderstanding
of the intent, they will often leave spare change.
Political Views: Politics are too much of an "of this world" thing for the
old-school fundie, so there is not much light to be shed in this section.
Even Christian "hot-button" issues like abortion and gay marriage don't
sway
them (aside from the occasional clinic bomber), since their extreme
zealotry
leads them to believe that even Bush is a rabid sodomite. A unique quality
of old-school fundies that could be construed as "progressive" is the fact
that they are about as likely to be black as white (KKK not included).
Musical Taste: You can never go wrong with old hymns, but I would submit
that more of them are into death metal than is commonly thought.
How to Tame an Old-School Fundie: Tell him that your favorite part of
Revelation is when the flying scorpions come to eat away at the
unbelievers.
Be prepared for him to recite the rest of Revelation by memory. Make sure
there are no s****s on him before you make bodily contact. If social
niceties are out of the question, just shoot him before he shoots you.
MAINSTREAM FUNDIES
This class of evangelical is the kind which the media ****trays most
accurately, which is fitting, since they are the most media-savvy. They
have
much in common with their cousin the Old-School Fundie, but they are far
better dressed, are perhaps not quite so vitriolic in their preaching, and
have heard of the Internet. They can be found anywhere, but spotting them
in
the wild is greatly simplified if you happen to know where the homo***ual
agenda will hit next (Fig. 1.2); they await its strike like a reactionary
mongoose on its guard against a hypnotically amoral cobra. The main point
of
divergence between old-school and mainstream fundies is in appearance.
They
tend to favor the televangelist look for the men, conservative dresses for
the women. They don't carry around guns, but they have their Bible, and
they
will fire with a rifleman's zeal.
Beliefs: The Bible is the infallible word of God. Every species of
evangelical will have some kind of statement to this effect, but they all
have to gay it up with their appeals to cultural context, proper
hermeneutical method, and the lexical-syntactical method, whatever that
is.
They are the truest, bluest form of Biblical literalists, though they
probably won't set you on fire, unless you ask them to. They are
comfortable
with a Left Behind level of nuttiness in interpreting the end times, and
they are the only known evangelical species to admit to enjoying the Book
of
Leviticus. They're way more into Jesus than their more primitive brethren,
often pronouncing his name in three syllables ("Juh-EEZ-suss!") to fully
express their piety. Christ is the savior of the world, but He gives
preferential treatment to Americans-specifically, American Christians-so
that they will not have to be challenged with multiculturalism or slight
lifestyle changes ("persecution") in the pursuit of ultimate comfort . er,
holiness.
Evangelical Style: Despite their uncanny ability to embarrass themselves,
mainstream fundies maintain an imaginary public dignity that disallows
them
from embracing the Turn-or-Burn approach directly. They prefer catchy
mantras like "The Condom Nation will receive Condemnation," or "Adam and
Eve
not Adam and Steve," or "Keep your laws off my body"1 [1], and they have
been known to make subtle hints that God will bring natural disaster on
schools that vote against teaching intelligent design. They tend to at
least
generate a conversational tone before they start preaching at you, and
they
appeal just as much to God's love for you as to His unquenchable wrath.
Since so much of their ministry revolves around politics, getting you
to vote for whoever they sup****t on the tracts they send you is seen as
akin
to saving your soul. Still, winning you over for Christ is their ultimate
goal, and they'll be the first to tell you that it would break their heart
to see you with the mark of the Beast on your forehead when the Judgment
comes.
Political Views: This is the group that spawned the Moral Majority and
Christian Coalition. They're sane enough to fit into the normal political
spectrum, but only just. They don't "hate" gays, but they DO think that
the
gays have a vampiric lust to feed on the lifeblood of our children's moral
groundings. What's more, most of them read and agree with Ann Coulter,
even
those who don't still think she's "on the right track." Their contempt for
public schools is second only to those who attend public schools. Most
mainstream fundies homeschool their kids, all the while fighting for the
inalienable rights of prayer, Bible indoctrination, and the stoning of
adulterous teachers within the secularized walls of the Damned.
Back in their heyday (which may still be now, for all anyone knows or
cares), the Christian Coalition would send out flyers to their perceived
constituencies that detailed the positions that various candidates held on
key issues. Did they sanction the killing of children? Were they capable
of
spinning any left-leaning rhetoric of their opponent as anti-Christian?
And
most im****tantly, were they possessed by Satan? All these and more were
given carefully thought-out answers by God's chosen people, that whosoever
should believe in them uncritically should not perish, but have
everlasting
voting power (Gospel of Pat Robertson, verse 16).
Musical Taste: For this part, it's easier to go by what they disapprove
of.
They hate anything on secular radio, including Radio Disney, since we all
know whose agenda Disney sup****ts. They have been known to flog their
children for watching MTV (one of the few things that qualifies them as
decent parents), and even that stuff on the local Christian station is
getting a bit too edgy, what with the electric guitar and all.
How to Tame a Mainstream Fundie: Tell them to shut up. Their indignation
at
this will manifest itself in an involuntary geyser of half-baked rhetoric
about how the persecution of Christians is what's sending America into the
abyss and the separation of church and state is just a secular myth and so
forth. I guess you can't really "tame" a mainstream fundie, you can just
get
them to ramble incessantly, which will at best put them in a sort of
trance.
Our best field naturalists are still working on this one.
1The notion that this originated with pro-choice feminists is false. It
was
principally a mantra used by public-school attending children of
mainstream
fundies, whose parents' zeal for seeing the 10 commandments displayed in
the
public arena was made manifest by the branding of 1-10 of the commandments
on their children's backs. This would mark the first-and last-time that
feminists would ever borrow a slogan from evangelically parented
schoolchildren.
From http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/american-fundamentalists
--
MY BLOG - MARK T - my thoughts on Christianity & links
http://www.blognow.com.au/strooth/
MY SOUNDCLICK PAGE- download my original songs in mp3 format
http://www.soundclick.com/marktindall
FUNDY FUNHOUSE -
http://fundamentalistfunhouse.blogspot.com/
- a resource on the current Fundamentalist Dark Age and Christian
fundamentalism.
PASTOR DALE K WHANGKE
http://dalekwhangke.blogspot.com/
Wyrst Pentacostal Church
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