Political Proclamation to U.S. Citizens from Great Britain
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.) To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect: The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you
know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communi-
cation. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize'.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You
will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough
to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Hence-
forth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the greatest s****ting
nation on Earth and it can only be because of the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth -- see what it
did for them.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to
cast English actors to play English characters. Watching
Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Daily
Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, never
mugs, with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.
God save the Queen!
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