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THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
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Original, thought-provoking humor
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THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
(To see a photo, click on relevant links and leave comments,
go to http://N****ma.com,
where this column was first
posted.)
"THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD"
<a href="http://www.n****ma.com/2008/01/children-bring.html>
"Web Column</a>
Until I became a parent, I didn't know how challenging it
could be. I thought it would be easy, like driving in New
York City or getting all my teeth pulled. I thought I would
just make the rules -- "Don't forget to tidy your room
before going to bed" -- and my children would follow them --
"Yes, Dad, we'll do it right away. Would you like us to
tidy your room too?"
I didn't realize how much hair-pulling and teeth-gna****ng
there would be. I didn't realize how often I'd hear the
question "Do we have to keep doing this?" and how often I'd
have to reply "Yes, dear, I know it's hard, but we can't
give up until the kids are 18."
Don't get me wrong. Parenting has brought a lot of joy to
my life. One of my greatest joys, for example, is looking
at my three children, admiring their sweet, innocent faces,
when they're fast asleep. What immense joy. So much peace
and calm in the house. The perfect time to do something
romantic with my wife, if only we could find the energy.
When I see teenagers having babies, I wonder if they know
what they're getting into. Have they really thought it
through or are they just hoping that their children, by some
miracle, will be mini-versions of Mother Teresa? I wish my
children would be more like Mother Teresa. I'd like to send
them off to Calcutta.
Parenting requires tons of effort, attention, and patience,
and you can never get too comfortable, too confident,
because children keep changing, keep finding new ways to
drive you up the wall. If you're a prospective parent,
here's what you can expect during the first five stages of
childhood (which our oldest child, Lekha, has already put us
through):
Innocent Infancy: This is the baby stage, also known as the
"Will I ever get any sleep again?" stage. Not only do you
have to keep waking up at night to take care of your baby's
needs, you have to spend your days either feeding her or
changing her diaper. (You'll have to buy diapers and wipes,
as well as formula, cereal, and bottled food.) There'll be
a lot of crying in this stage, which is fairly normal,
particularly when you're looking at your bank statement.
But try to put things in perspective. In just a few years,
you'll look back and say, "Those were the really cheap
days."
Onerous Ones: She learns how to walk in this stage and is
quite good at it, but still expects you to carry her around,
because that makes it easy for her to wipe her mouth and
nose on your ****rt. (That's one of the downsides of
"raising a child.") She also begins to talk, saying "Mom" or
"Dad," before discovering a far more useful word: "No!"
This is her favorite word, at least until she has a sibling
and grows to like another word: "Mine!"
Terrible Twos: This is the stage that all parents dread.
The baby is now a toddler and has learned to make demands,
learned to say "I want." Whatever another child has, she
wants, even if it's chicken pox. If she doesn't get what
she wants, she throws a tantrum -- and sometimes she throws
other things too. You'll be afraid to take her out in
public, except perhaps to the zoo, where she might pick up
some tips on good behavior from the monkeys.
Therapy-inducing Threes: If you're relieved when your child
turns three, you're in for a big shock, especially when you
see the crayon drawing on your wall and the ink marks on
your couch. At this stage, she doesn't throw tantrums
anymore -- she just gets you to throw them. Your goals in
life have changed by now. Forget about "writing a book" or
"starting a business." All you want to do these days is
"remain sane." That's a major challenge, as you realize
whenever you're at the dinner table, trying to get your
3-year-old to put something in her mouth, other than the
salt shaker.
Frightful Fours: By now, she's got a lot of toys, perhaps a
roomful of them, but that doesn't stop her from saying "I'm
bored" a dozen times a day. You try to tell her about your
childhood, how you used to be occupied for hours playing
hopscotch with a stone, but she really doesn't want to hear
about the Stone Age. She wants to watch TV all day, but you
know what parenting experts say -- that it's not good for
children to watch too much TV. So you put a DVD in your
computer and let her watch that instead. You're starting to
get good at parenting. At least that's what you think,
until she screams, "I've already watched this!"
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(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
<a href="http://MelvinDurai.com">MelvinDurai.com</a>
BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters,
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website link and copyright information are included.
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Melvin Durai is a Winnipeg-based writer and humorist. Born
in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America
since 1982. Through the Internet, his column is read by
thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
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