Welcome to Maine ...The Way Life Should Be:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at
did more work before breakfast than you did all week in the
gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you
drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have four-
wheel drive because we need it. Now drive, or get out of
the way.
3. We all started hunting and fi****ng when we were nine
years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi." We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our
women will get your butt kicked ... by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn that hat around. You look
like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making their final approach, we will shoot it. You best
pray that it's not up by your ear at that time!
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Order a two-pound lobster and
steamers. Or, if you still want vegetables, you can order
the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey
covering it.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. If you bring Coke into our houses, it had better be
brown, wet, and served over ice.
10. So you have a $60,000 car. Yippee. We're really
impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull
logs out of the woods.
11. Let's get this straight: we have one stoplight in
town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's
yellow. Hell, we may even stop when it's green if we see
something interesting across the road.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they
want to. So you say you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
For the record, Margaret Chase Smith, Olympia Snowe, and
Susan Collins have all represented Maine in the U.S.
Senate. How many women have represented your feminist-
enlightened state?
13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams, and haddock,
too. If you want su**** and caviar, they're available at the
bait shop.
14. They are called pigs and cows. That's what they smell
like. Get used to it. If you don't like it, there are two
lanes on the Maine Turnpike and Route One ... take the
southbound one.
15. "Opening Day" refers to the first of fi****n' season or
of deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get
breakfast at the church ... at 3 A.M.
16. So what if everyone in a pickup waves at you? It's
called being friendly. How does that concept rate where
you come from?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and the turtles.
18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of
asking for red chowder until you're somewhere safely south
of White Plains.
19. All the boats in Maine point in the same direction
because that's what harbor masters are trained to do.
20. The farthest you got is Ogunquit? That isn't real
Maine. That's Northern Massachusetts
21. Yeah, the paper mills emit a smell like rotting
cabbage. Do you want it closed down? Bad odor means good
people are working.
22. Bar Harbor, Camden, and Kennebunk****t are really
tourist traps which no self-respecting Mainer visits, but
won't tell you that because we want your money. Besides,
how else will we unload all those "authentic" Maine
artifacts that were made in Taiwan?
23. You'll notice when there are seagulls flying overhead,
the locals don't stop to look up at them because of two
things: bird poop and gravity.
24. Cars with Massachusetts license plates are treated with
great respect, and given a wide berth, as everyone knows
Massholes can't drive.
Welcome to Maine ...The Way Life Should Be. Now Go Home.
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