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THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
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Original, thought-provoking humor
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WEEK'S COLUMN:
(To see a related photo, click on relevant links and leave
comments, go to http://N****ma.com,
where this column was
first posted.)
"SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH DOES WONDERS FOR OUR LIVES"
<a href="http://www.n****ma.com/2008/02/research-studie.html>
"Web Column</a>
Where would we be without scientific research? Six feet
under, probably. I say "probably" because some of us might
still be moving around, the ones who've had their ashes
scattered in the ocean.
Yes, scientific research is vital to our existence, almost
as im****tant as food, oxygen, and coffee. But wait a
minute, you might say, the cavemen didn't conduct research
and they managed just fine. Well, that's not completely
true. They did conduct research -- they just didn't think
of publi****ng it. Oongah the caveman, for example, was able
to conclude, from counting all the bumps on his head, that
it wasn't good for his health to comment on his wife's
weight. His wife, meanwhile, was able to conclude that it
was possible to make a man change his ways without resorting
to violence. Just by withholding certain favors, you could
get him to bang his head against the wall.
Modern research is more sophisticated, of course, and more
widespread. Just do an Internet search and you'll come
across thousands of studies that have been conducted all
over the world, even in Saskatchewan, Canada. A few recent
ones underscore the im****tance of funding scientific
research and keeping researchers happy. (In the interest of
full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a
researcher. She has conducted mostly animal research,
including an ongoing experiment on what it's like to be
married to one.)
An Australian study found that blue-collar workers are at a
higher risk of developing cancer than white-collar workers.
What's causing the cancer? Well, you don't have to be a
scientist to realize that it must have something to do with
the blue dye in their collars. At least that's what I
thought until I read a little further. Blue-collar workers
such as truck drivers, fruit and vegetable growers, and
hairdressers are at greater risk because they're exposed to
chemicals, dyes, pesticides, and viruses. Think about that
the next time you need a haircut. Make sure you wash your
hair well beforehand, so your hairdresser isn't exposed to
chemicals, dyes, and pesticides. You can always spray for
bugs later.
A Spanish study found that women aren't tall and skinny, as
many fa****on designers envision them, but instead fall into
three body types: hourglass, pear shape, and cylinder. The
pear-shaped ones are at higher risk, of course, of marrying
a fruit grower. But that's not the point of the study. The
point is to get the fa****on industry to design clothes that
normal women can wear, and by "normal" I mean women who eat.
A U.S. study found that attractive people tend to date other
attractive people. There are exceptions, of course. Who
would have thought that Angelina Jolie, for example, would
end up with an unsightly dork like Brad Pitt? Especially
since she was previously married to that stud muffin Billy
Bob Thornton. The study didn't just focus on attractive
people. Whatever your level of attractiveness, you're
likely to date someone at a similar level. If you're on a
hot date in West Virginia, for example, don't be surprised
if you and your date have an equal number of missing teeth.
An Indian study found that IT professionals are prone to
suffer from CRI (Computer Related Injury). It's easy to
strain your neck, back, shoulders, or wrists while using a
computer. I hurt my arm the other day, just from tossing my
computer against the wall. I've also got a number of bumps
on my head, which, I'm starting to suspect, has something to
do with reading e-mails from my wife.
It's really too bad that Oongah didn't publish his study.
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(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
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The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters,
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website link and copyright information are included.
Melvin Durai is a Winnipeg-based writer and humorist. Born
in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America
since 1982. Through the Internet, his column is read by
thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
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