If you put the phrase "Waterloo Teeth" into the search engine of your
choosing, you'll probably find a link to a page devoted to the
discussion of a most remarkable historical event, which strikes awe and
mortal terror in my heart. No, make that my jaw.
You see, in the late 18th and early 19th century, and for all I know
many other parts of those and other centuries, those who resisted the
sweet call of communism (and by relevant and direct extension,
fluoridated water) could not rely on their teeth lasting too far into
their 30s or 40s, and since they did not want, at that age, to terrify
their similarly toothless grandchildren (generations being packed
somewhat more closely together, you see), they would obtain a set of
false teeth, such as a lovely ivory set, widely reknowned to be wooden,
as possessed by our esteemed first American President. Among people of
means, however, (which at the time probably did not exclude civil
servants) one could obtain the superior specimen of false teeth, namely
the extracted teeth of some other poor sot who was so broke he had to
sell his teeth.
The market for these teeth was tight, apparently, until one great
historical event. Wellington defeated Napoleon at Waterloo (unless you
believe that the foul-mouthed Frenchman in the Hugo novel won the moral
victory). However you see it, many many many many many men died. Many
dead men, most with full sets of precious teeth. Waterloo teeth.
So many teeth were extracted that this human ivory, was sold far and
wide across the globe, suddenly available to the m***** owing to that
most remarkable law of supply. Can you picture the mad scramble of
urchins and seamen as a wooden crate bursts open over the wharf, pouring
out white gold with just a hint of rotting flesh within. Had this
happened perhaps 25 years before, there could've been a Boston Teeth
Party, who knows?
And won't somebody think of the children? "All I want for Christmas is
some Frenchie bastard's two front teeth, his two front teeth, his two
front teeth." No longer can only the wealthiest of toothless children
wake up to find teeth under their pillow. Did the Tooth Fairy have to
Institute Measures or face Chapter 13?
What I want to know is this: Why have we stopped this practice? Why
should I expend my own teeth on sugar and food, not to mention spend
money on my teeth, cleaning and straightening? Abominable. I want more
teeth! I want a set of teeth for suckling pigs, concrete puddings,
beans for breakfast, and sweets. I want a set of teeth just for rich,
heavy sauces, crusty breads, truffles and allouettes. I want another
set yet for potatoes and vodka, and by God, had I been alive in
Waterloo's day, I could have all three, and more.
Several friends of mine keep Kosher; some the year around and others
during this holy week. Can you give me a reason, can you, that they
should not have two sets of teeth, one for meat and one for dairy? I
thought not. The omnivorous bite can be done-away! Molars for ma****ng,
with only a few incisors for cutting stubborn vegetables for the latter;
for the former, a tongue-intimidating row or two of canines and other
sharpened teeth. You don't even have to be Kosher to recognize the
need-- anyone on Atkins?
Furthermore, never fear the dentist again, just drop the used set in the
garbage and paste in another pair. Utterly simple.
Think it over, my friends. And then we shall set our sights on France
once again!
Yours, &c.,
LAN3
God Brush America!
P.S. Ranjit B. gets credit for the lead and the Boston Teeth Party joke.
Disclaimer: This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo.
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