The following is an excerpt from Prodigal Daze by Re. Paul G. Zimmer,
II
Chapter 7 Pages
155-158
If any good came out of my ***ual involvement with **** and the
prostitutes at the massage parlors, it was the time spent on my knees
before God in prayer and repentance. However, I was confident that God
was weary of the same old confessions and promises that followed each
session of repentance. I was weary of my continued faltering and
giving in to the lust of my heart, however, once I crossed that line
of immorality, and found out that heaven hadn't struck me dead with
lightning or swallow me up in the San Andreas Fault, ***ual sin grew
easier and easier to commit.
In looking back at those days I realize that one of the contributing
factors that caused me to stray were increasing insecurities regarding
my attractiveness to females. My alter ego had to prove that I could
still attract a woman even if I had to pay her to be with me. In my
case, Satan knew what buttons to push, and paying for *** was a quick
fix for my damaged ***ual ego. Sin was sin, no matter what the root
cause may be, and what I discovered early on in my walk with the flesh
was that once I started feeding my hunger for ****ography and massage-
parlor ***, I was unable to overcome the lustful passions and
consequential deceit that followed.
In a moment of spiritual candor, the apostle Paul wrote: "I do not
understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I
hate, I do." Every time I read this chapter, especially these few
verses, I can't help but identify with what Paul was probably going
through. I've heard this text preached many times, and many times
those expounding on this particular verse stated that Paul wasn't
speaking personally but allegorically. To me it doesn't matter if Paul
was speaking allegorically or literally I believe that he was putting
his readers on notice that he was having a problem doing what was
always right according to God. Because of my literal understanding of
these verses, Paul is that much more credible to me as a born-again
man struggling to separate the spirit man from the flesh. If his
statements are literal--as I believe them to be--then Paul was not a
superhuman saint but rather an individual struggling with the same
daily battles as ours. He was than directing his candor to those of us
who are also struggling to define our role now that Christ lives
within us. Paul seems to be telling us that he understands how hard it
is to lay the flesh aside and walk in complete holiness 24/7.
There have been many times that even though I knew what was right, I'd
do just the opposite. In truth, there will more than likely be other
times that this exact same scenario attempts to repeats itself as I
continue to struggle to maintain the holiness He has called me to.
Holiness is a work in progress. At times we will stumble and fall, and
need strength and courage to get back up on our feet and finish the
race before us.
This struggle to do what is right has never been more evident to me
than in my battle against that from which I was once delivered. The
struggle to remain victorious over the temptations of ***ual
immorality is not easy. I understood that ***ual sin, fornication, and
adultery is a sin that God loathes. But, for whatever reasons, I'd
find myself meandering down the wrong path time after time. Each time
I gave in to the flesh, it was just that much easier to give in the
next time. Though I felt tremendous guilt and shame, my ability to
resist sin became more and more difficult to overcome. My spiritual
immune system was so overloaded from placing myself in the presence of
***ual sin that within time immunity was non-existent. Though the
majority of my ***ual sin was spent in adult video parlors, pleasuring
myself, I never once denied that it wasn't a form of cheating on my
spouse. Jesus clearly taught that meditating and acting out on one's
thoughts was no different than cheating in the flesh. My eyes were
being used to join my spirit, body, and soul to the persons on the
video screen. Regardless of my spiritual explanations and excuses,
there was no way to rationalize away my actions. What I was doing, and
why I thought it was okay to do it, didn't make it any less sinful in
the eyes of God.
As I frequented adult bookstores and viewed the ****ography, I was
acting out of lust. and each time I crossed that line in the sand, it
became much more difficult to return to God's forgiving grace.
Repeated sin made me more and more numb and spiritually callous to the
****ging of the Holy Ghost, and prior to my guilt ridden suicide
attempt in April 1987, it had become painfully clear that I had
reached the point where I could blank out the convicting voice of the
Holy Ghost. The longer I walked hand in hand with sin, the more I
became a willing victim of the natural progression of sin. Eventually
I wanted to do more than just watch someone on a video screen having
***. My sin caused me to lust and desire to engage in the actual act
of ***, and in the mid 1970's I progressed from video booths to paid
***ual relations at the massage parlors.
More about this book @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
http://removethehaze.com
Be sure to check out the article by Flatlander on my book @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Rev.
Zimmer's book Prodigal Daze
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