For a long time now I have been on a search for self forgiveness. I know
it started in early adolescents because I can remember praying to God to
help me be a better person. Forever disappointed in myself and the way I
behaved. Now, in my late 30s with 3 small children, I find myself even
asking complete strangers about forgiveness and how one might achieve this
self-forgiveness. Never coming up with an answer-never forgiving myself.
In the meantime my anger and resentment has grown to engulf my whole life-
not remembering a single day that I could lay down and fall asleep without
asking God to help me change. I have no "horror" story, but I do know I
was even angry as a child. Beginning with never being able to please my
father through early teenage years when I began wanting to hurt back the
people who have hurt me, to my shambled marriage and lack of nurturing and
teaching my children to forgive. I have become a complete failure to
myself just from the day to day betrayals that have occurred. I have many
times uttered the words "I forgive you". yet continued to be bitter and
throw the situation up at the next betrayal. I could remember the
smallest detail, names, dates, places, time. That surely is not
forgiveness. In hindsight, I believe I wanted someone to pay over and
over for the pain they caused me because I didnt feel they paid any price
to begin with. I know now that to EVERY individual the smallest betrayal
of something they hold in their heart can feel as large as the most
heinous crime done to someone else. We do become very self-absorbed in
our own lives and self. In my search for self-forgiveness, I have only
just realized that I have never truly forgiven anyone and was still
harboring these feelings. My marriage is still in shambles, no doubt- but
I now realize that you cannot make someone else feel as you do about
forgiveness, guilt, respect and responsibility. You can only do your best
to be the best you can. I do not want to face God in the end knowing that
I did not even attempt to do my part. My journey has only just begun. I
still lay down and wake up harboring feelings that should have been let
go. I often find myself saying "If he would just have done this and not
that I would be able to sleep." It is a struggle every day. Telling
myself that I can forgive myself and others, and that I am worthy does
help. In my soul I feel that this is just the beginning of the steps I
need to become the person I have dreamed of being. Unattainable
expectations of ones self are a HUGE hurdle, but I still can find great
satisfaction in knowing that I am trying. I write to you in hopes that
you continue to share your words and know that I am only one small spec of
the greatness you are doing. There is no quick fix, we are our own worst
enemy. It is a life long process that will hopefully become a very good
habit to possess. Your book struck the darkest place in my heart, I thank
you for showing me that there really is somewhere (no right and wrong
place) to start. Thank you for helping me understand that I can make this
world a better place beginning with myself and hopefully will rub off on my
children also. I do believe that it can be an extremely contagious
behavior. You are a dear and powerful human being and have given me more
hope than words could say. Thank YOU.
Responding to http://www.bruderhof.com/e-books/WhyForgive.htm
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